Found this wandering the internet today; I chuckled. More useful than most horoscopes…
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don’t let them see you during a full moon, however.
Here are the rest, for your own possible amusement. :)
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Some strange “hooting” creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Excellent day to study entomology — particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you’ll be able to write a killer song about it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.